


Girl Of My Dreams

by DustyAttic



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Because we need some f/f rep, Evabel, F/F, In Love, Isabel and Evelyn, Isak and Even as girls, Rule 63, gender swap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-07 01:15:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11048244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DustyAttic/pseuds/DustyAttic
Summary: This is a gender swap version of Isak and Even's story. In this story, they are Isabel Valtersen and Evelyn Bech Næsheim. Isabel is a member of the girl squad and, in this story, there is no Noora. Evelyn is a transfer student from Bakka who tried to kiss her best friend Sonja. They are lost and hurt and they still save each other right back.





	1. Prologue

The first time Isabel knew what love was, she was in tears.  
She'd run right into the doorframe, fleeing from their puppy with squeaks of laughter, and then bam. Landed smack on her butt. And immediately burst into tears. "Oh," her mother said from the kitchen, putting down the knife she'd been using to chop peppers. "Oh, baby." Isabel blindly stuck out her arms, sobbing in hiccups and waiting for her mama to scoop her up. "Shh," Marianne soothed. "I'm here. Let's check this out." She held Isabel back slightly and examined the red lump growing on her forehead. "You're okay. It's not bleeding."  
Isabel wondered, face wet and sticky. "Hurts," she whined with her toddler vocabulary.  
"I know, sweetie. But it'll be okay. Here," her mama laid a kiss on the bump. "Better?"  
Still teary, Isabel nodded and rested her head in the crook of Marianne's neck.  
And she knew she didn't want to be anywhere else. 

The first time Evelyn knew what love was, she was so happy she could burst. Her papa had bought her a turtle. A turtle! A real one, too, not like her stuffed one. And she could even bring it to show and tell next week, the teacher had said. "Takk! Takk takk takk, papa!"  
Her dad lifted her high when she jumped into his arms, booming with laughter.  
"Are you happy, baby?"  
"Yes! I love it! I love you, papa."  
Evelyn was older than Isabel, knew how to say things like "I love you," but it's what both girls were thinking. 

The first time Isabel knew what hate was, she was wearing her red tulle skirt and her white t-shirt with the ladybugs on it. She even had her red flowered headband in her hair and she was so, so excited because that hair now curled to a stop around her ears, short as a boys and beautiful. She'd begged her mama for weeks to let her get it cut, whined and stomped and made a lot of noise, until papa finally said, "Jesus, Marianne, it's 2007. Girls can have short hair, too."  
And now here she was, walking up to her third grade classroom with the biggest smile and more confidence than ever. "Hi!" she squealed to her group of friends, and they all turned and then-  
"You look like boy!"  
"What did you do to your hair, Belly?"  
"You got a boy's haircut!"  
Isabel's smile slowly faded as she realized that her friends' faces were going from surprised to appalled. "Did the hair cutter mess up?" lisped Ruth, a redheaded girl with a braid down to her hips.  
Isabel shook her head cautiously. "No, I... I thought it looked nice."  
The three girls in front of her only stared until the leader, Camilla, turned on her heel and marched away. "Come on," she called to the others. "We don't play with boys."  
Isabel could feel the tears on her lashes as May scampered after Camilla. "Sorry, Isabel," Ruth shrugged before following.  
Later that day, Alex sat on the seesaw and pointed one, accusatory finger at Isabel. "My mom said any lady who cuts her hair like a boy is a lesbian!"  
Isabel furrowed her brow. "What's a lesbian?"  
"A lesbian is a lady who wants to be like a boy. Lesbians kiss other girls," Alex explained, and then all eyes were on Isabel. She became panicked as the kids- her friends- started to back away.  
"I'm not- I'm not like that! That's gross!" she all but shrieked, but the others didn't seem to hear.  
That afternoon, Isabel was in the sandpit in tears when a tall girl with red brown hair sat beside her. This was that weird girl who talked funny, the new kid this year. Isabel turned away slightly. "Hi," the other girl said. "I'm Eva. I like your hair."  
At this, Isabel's breath hitched. She looked at Eva, who gave a soft smile, and dared smile back.  
"Thanks," she breathed. "I'm Isabel. And I like your hair, too." 

The first time Evelyn knew what hate was, she was older. Proudly eleven and a half. Except... not so proud. Not right now.  
"You could've killed her!" Sonja's mother screamed, eyes wild with rage. Sonja was crying, hiding in her mama's thighs, and Evelyn didn't know what to do.  
"I thought it was funny," she whispered. They'd always called Sonja "Woodstock" because of her short blonde hair. And Woodstock was a bird, right? And birds could fly, right? So why- why couldn't Sonja fly? It was funny, a good joke, why couldn't Sonja's mother understand?  
And why was she so mad? She was storming over to Evelyn's mother, who looked horrified, and then she was shouting, "Keep that psycho away from my daughter!"  
Evelyn started to feel small. And scared. Really scared. There had been so much blood.  
Later, her mama sat Evelyn in her lap. “Baby?” she asked. Evelyn nodded, head heavy with something she didn’t like, something she didn’t recognize. “Baby, I think we’re gonna take you to a doctor.”  
“A doctor?”  
“Yeah.”

The first time Isabel knew she had to get away, she was fifteen and her mama had just broken a plate across her face.  
Papa was gone. Papa had left. Left her there alone, with her mother, who was deteriorating in front of Isabel’s eyes. And she couldn’t fix it. Or change it. Or stop it.  
“You’re a slut! I didn’t raise you this way!”  
Isabel stumbled backwards, gasping for breath as she felt blood seep down her cheek, onto her chin. It followed the same trail that her tears had so many times, only it was warm and thick and Isabel thought she might be sick. “I didn’t- Jonas is just a friend, mama-”  
“Then why did he hug you, Isabel? You don’t allow a boy to touch you like that!”  
Isabel tried to focus her eyes but everything was blurry. “I was- we’re just friends.”  
And the worst of it was, they weren’t friends. Not anymore. Not since Isabel fucking ruined everything, fucking shattered every good thing they’d ever had between just because she was jealous that he’d stolen her best friend, and maybe jealous of something else, too. Something that made her sicker than the blood on her lips. When her mother came at her again, Isabel let her.  
That night, she found herself in a bar, a bar in some part of town she didn’t recognize, and she couldn’t remember exactly what had happened, except there were two faces pushed into hers and she turned away.  
“Hey, hey sweetheart,” a man’s voice said. “Can you hear us?”  
“She’s really out of it,” a woman commented, and Isabel lowered her head in her arms. “We should take her home.”  
“Nei!” Isabel all but shrieked, flying up too fast. She suddenly felt very, very dizzy. “Nei, don’t take me home. Anywhere else.” Tears spilled over her eyes. “Please.”  
The woman stared at her, lips pursed. The man rubbed her back, eyes lingering on the cut on her cheek. “What are you doing here?” he asked. “You don’t look like you belong in a place like this, sweetie.”  
Snorting, the woman rolled her eyes. “I could say the same thing about you, Eskild. You’re a gay man in a lesbian bar.”  
“Lesbian bar?” Isabel repeated, eyes going wide with horror.  
“I can’t help hook up my girl with a hottie, Linn? Don’t be sexist.”  
“This is a lesbian bar?” Isabel asked more instantly. Eskild nodded at her and then Isabel tried to stand, nearly falling on her face. Linn caught her.  
“Hey, calm down. We’ll get you home.”  
“I can’t go home!” Isabel cried. Eskild and Linn frowned, sharing a look.  
“Well… we have an empty room in our flat right now. You could come with us.”  
And Isabel knew all about stranger danger, but she didn’t care. She just needed to get away. 

The first time Evelyn knew she needed to get away, it was a little different. She was eighteen, and everything had fallen apart.  
She and Adam were on a break. It was at his request- she was acting crazy. And, so, it seemed like a good time to admit her feelings for Sonja.  
Sonja’s mother had gotten over the whole pushing incident, especially after Evelyn’s parents had gotten her diagnosed. And, so, Evelyn and Sonja had become best friends again. And things seemed good, until Evelyn started wanting to kiss her. But, now, she and Adam were on a break. So she could kiss her. So she did kiss her.  
Sonja didn’t react badly. In fact, she didn’t react at all. She calmly told Evelyn that she didn’t like her like that, and it was over. When Evelyn and Adam got back together, she hesitantly told him what had happened, and he didn’t react much either.  
But he did tell the boys.  
When Mikael first sent her the Quran passage about homosexuality, she was confused. He’d always been her closest guy friend- why was he doing this? She caught the looks Sana would send her, half sympathetic and half confused, and started to wonder what the boys were saying about her.  
And, so, she started to research. Read the entire Quran. And she could feel her veins buzzing and she knew something wasn’t right but she didn’t care because suddenly she understood religion, understood why people were so against gays because, well, gays were going to hell! And so she posted about it. A lot about it. Other stuff about Islam, too, and about Sonja and about everything that had ever mattered to her.  
And when she came down, realized what had happened, realized she’d lost everything, she just. She knew she needed to get away.  
And, so, sitting on her bed with two pill containers in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other, Evelyn was ready. She swallowed through the burn and then curled up in her blankets and waited for all the hurt to go away.  
When she woke up in the hospital, she cried. Not because she was scared or sad, she was just so, so tired. 

Isabel woke up so tired she could barely breathe. Her hair had fallen out of its ponytail sometime during the night and her whole body ached for no reason at all. No better way to start the year. Stumbling out of bed, she opened her closet, which revealed a disorderly array of pastel colors and too-big sweaters. She mindlessly chose the fluffy, ice pink one that engulfed most of her body and a pair of black leggings to tug on underneath it.  
Walking to the bathroom, makeup bag clutched in one hand, Isabel was unprepared for Eskild to pop around the corner and practically scream "Morning, sunshine!" at her.  
"Fucking hell, Eskild," Isabel groaned, rubbing her forehead. "It's six in the fucking morning."  
"Yeah, but it's your first day of school! Are you excited?"  
Isabel gave an over dramatic eye roll and wiggled past him. "Okay, ignore me, whatever," Eskild mulled as she closed the bathroom door in his face.  
Looking in the mirror, the blonde girl frowned. There were dark bruises under her eyes and she looked... lifeless. Which wasn't wrong. Reaching into her makeup bag, she grabbed her mascara and hazardously applied some to her light lashes. Eskild said she wore too much mascara, said it made her lashes clumpy and spidery, but she didn't care if she looked like a fucking horror movie as long as everybody could tell she was wearing makeup, just like all the other girls. Once that was done, she smeared some concealer under her muddy green eyes and then swabbed some petal pink lipstick over her mouth. Stupid Cupid's bow lip. Stupid everything.  
Her hair was a lost cause, curls gone all frizzy before the day had begun, so the girl pulled half of them back away from her face and left the rest to fend for themselves. She looked down at her chipping blue nail polish and frowned- she'd been meaning to redo them, but there wasn't time now. Unsatisfied, she brushed her teeth and then left the bathroom to find her backpack. It would have to do. 

Walking up to Nissen, Evelyn was... nervous. Not about starting at the new school, she'd done that before. But... how much had they heard?  
She caught a glimpse of Sana from across the way and grimaced, quickly looking for anything else. Sana was with a group of girls, one with auburn hair and then a brunette. Evelyn almost wanted to go say hi to them, because then at least she wouldn't feel so alone, but that was also the worst idea in the world so... yeah, no.  
And, so, she found a different group of girls, ones who seemed to like her nose ring and blue eyes, because they quickly complemented almost everything about her and started asking if she was new.  
By the time the bell rang, Evelyn was exhausted but she'd charmed all these girls. She turned around and caught another glimpse of Sana and her friends, but then something stopped her in her tracks.  
A fourth girl had joined Sana. A blonde. She was small, tiny really. 5'2 or 5'3, and thin, too. And she looked even smaller, swallowed by her sweater, cuffs wrapped up in her hands like paws, eyes vacant and lips pursed. She had the prettiest fucking lips Evelyn had ever seen.  
This girl suddenly snapped into focus on the brunette and then she laughed and- oh. Oh. Evelyn had never seen something more beautiful. This girl’s eyes- golden green and huge- slanted up and her freckled little nose wrinkled and all her gorgeous, snowy blonde curls bounced and Evelyn went weak at the knees. "Chris, shut up," she giggled- shit, why had Evelyn walked close enough to hear them?- and then they all turned and headed for the school. And Evelyn knew, suddenly, that she would never tire of looking at the girl.  
She just needed to get her name. 

"Vilde?"  
"I don't know, Sana, the really short one? With green eyes?"  
"Oh, Isabel?" Sana asked, narrowing her eyes. "Yeah, I think you're talking about Isabel. Pink sweater?"  
"Yes!" Evelyn almost shouted, bouncing up and down. She hadn't expected to speak to Sana today, but, then again, she hadn't expected to see an angel either.  
"Yeah, Isabel. Why?" Sana continued putting her books away.  
"You guys are friends?"  
"Yeah."  
"She's in your grade?"  
"Yes."  
"What's she like?"  
Here, Sana paused and glared at Evelyn. "I don't know how to describe her. She's... funny. She's really smart. She's nice. Why are you so curious?" Narrowing her eyes, Sana gave a small smile. "Do you like her?"  
"I don't even know her," Evelyn almost scoffed, the faintest blush coloring her cheeks. Sana raised her eyebrows, lips pursed.  
"Okay. Well, if you wanna meet her, come to kosegroup this Friday."  
"Kosegroup?" Evelyn repeated. Here, Sana nodded and grinned.  
"Kosegroup. The best revenue group of them all." 

Isabel didn’t know… what the fuck was going on. She’d just been in the bathroom, trying to do something about her hair, when that girl came in. The girl at whom Isabel had been staring for a week now. The tall one, with the long legs and long, beach-wavy golden hair and the most piercing blue eyes. The one with the tiny ring in her nose and the wine red lipstick and the jean jackets. She walked in, hair in a messy bun and body toned and curvy, and here Isabel was with her a-cup bra and giant navy blue sweater. And then- then the girl started talking. “Halla.”  
Isabel blinked at her. “H-halla.”  
“Are you hiding?”  
At this, Isabel flushed. She loved her friends, she really did, but kosegroup was probably the most boring thing they’d ever done. “Um- no. No. Are you hiding?”  
The tall girl grinned down at her, and her teeth were perfect and Isabel’s were yellow and Jesus, why was this girl bothering with her. She shrugged, denim moving up and down over her perfect shoulders. “More like seeking.”  
Okay, what?  
What was… what was happening here?  
Was this… gorgeous girl… flirting with Isabel? “Oh, um…”  
“Come outside,” the tall girl interrupted, and then she left. And Isabel couldn’t help but follow. 

Evelyn. The girl’s name was Evelyn. She hadn’t really introduced herself, she’d simply cut in when Erik, that stupid boy who’d tried to take Isabel’s shirt off at Eva’s party, had towered over them, all predatory, and demanded Isabel be his partner. “Weren’t we already in a group?” Evelyn asked. Isabel stared at her. Why was she doing this? Isabel assumed she could just sense her discomfort and was a good person, because why would anyone as cool as her want to be in a group with Isabel?  
“Oh, yeah!” she squeaked. “I’m already in a group with- with-”  
“Evelyn,” the tall girl said, sticking out one hand. Erik took it with slight annoyance, but Isabel was trying not to smile too noticeably. Evelyn. 

Isabel’s face was officially the only thing that mattered in the world. Oh, and her laugh. And her smile, and that thing she did with her hands, and, yeah, the way she rolled her eyes, and the way she could be kind of grumpy over nothing. Oh, oh, oh. And her lips. Yeah, those were pretty important, too.  
If only Evelyn knew what they felt like. 

Jeez, for someone so small, Isabel could take up a lot of space. But that was okay, because she was sleeping and Evelyn had never seen anything more adorable.  
Her brow was slightly furrowed as she huffed in and out, lying on her belly, one leg tossed across Evelyn’s. She let out a soft sigh once in awhile, and Evelyn felt like she was in heaven. Which was fitting, considering the Virgin Mary t-shirt that Isabel had given her to sleep in since their clothes were all drenched. 

Isabel was on cloud nine. Sure she didn’t know how to say the word gay, especially not to Eva or Vilde or the girls, but she just- she never knew kissing a girl would be so nice. Everything about Evelyn was nice. Perfect, actually. Evelyn was perfect. And Isabel was drowning.  
Evelyn had said her parents would love Isabel. They were dating now- dating! And, yeah, Isabel’s parents wouldn’t even know- “I’ve just decided I’m better off without… mentally ill people in my life,”- but it didn’t matter. They were dating.  
So, she sent her a text. A quick one, a little jokey to make it seem less serious.  
And then Evelyn sent her a text back and- oh. 

Evelyn should have known. It wouldn’t work. Nobody wanted to be with a psychopath. 

Isabel saw Evelyn kissing a tall, dark haired boy at Erik’s party. Erik cornerer her- “So you’re a fucking lesbian? It’s 2016, Isabel. Come out of the closet.” And her friends were angry because she was ditching again. She’d already missed Chris’s birthday and about a million other things she’d lost track of, and now she was storming out of the house and Vilde was chirping, “It’s really quite rude to leave us here when we can’t even get in,” and Isabel turned around and raised one hand and she heard the sound of the slap before she felt Vilde’s cheek against her hand.  
Everything froze. Vilde stared at her with such a shocked sort of distraughtness that made Isabel’s stomach curl in. She raised one hand to her face.  
“What the fuck?” Eva asked, eyes terrified. “What’s happening?”  
And Isabel couldn’t do it. She couldn’t breathe. So she pushed Eva away and willed herself not to cry until she was far gone, and then she collapsed on the side of the road and sobbed until she was gagging and her throat was on fire but it didn’t hurt enough. 

“Did you hear about Sana’s friend?” asked Mari. Evelyn looked at her.  
“Sana’s friend?”  
“Yeah. You’re friends with Sana, right?”  
“Kind of.”  
“Okay, well her little friend, Isabel or something, slapped Vilde. The perky one who made that group you went to? Isabel flat out slapped her across the face.”  
Evelyn’s grip on her backpack straps tightened. “Why?”  
“Nobody knows. Everyone’s saying it’s because she’s a lesbian and Vilde is, like, super Christian, but I don’t think that makes sense.”  
“When did this happen?”  
“Erik’s party. Isabel went in to try and get them in, and when she came out she was super pissed and Vilde made some comment so Isabel slapped her.”  
The words settled in Evelyn’s soul like ice. Isabel had been at the party. Isabel had gone inside his house and seen something that upset her and then she slapped Vilde across the face. Isabel had seen something in the party that upset her.  
Evelyn didn’t even know the boy’s name. All she knew was that he tasted like weed and, when he kissed her, she kissed back instead of crying.  
“I feel like something else must be going on, like at home. People don’t just slap you for no reason. Now she isn’t in school. Anyway, what’s the history homework?” Mari looked at Evelyn with a smile, but Evelyn felt sick. 

“Isabel?”  
The blonde girl let out a soft sigh and leaned her head against her locker before turning and giving Eva a weak smile. “Hei.”  
“Is, oh my god. Where did you go? I messaged you, like, a thousand times!” Eva was saying, confusion and worry written all over her face. Isabel knew she looked like shit, face bare, blonde eyelashes nearly transparent, skin pale and the circles under her eyes darker than ever. She hadn’t slept much that week.  
“I was sick,” Isabel shrugged, grabbing her books out of her increasingly messy locker.  
“Sick? Is, why didn’t you respond? I- we were all freaking out,” Eva looked at her with wide eyes. Isabel tried to keep from passing out right there in the middle of the hallway. She was just so tired.  
“Sorry,” she managed with a small laugh. “Just, um. Really sick.” Then she glanced around, nervously chewing at her bottom lip. “Are all the girls mad at me?”  
“Nobody’s mad, Is,” Eva assured her, tugging the smaller girl into a hug. “We’re just worried. You can’t disappear like that.”  
Isabel let out a shaky breath. “Yeah,” she choked. “Sorry.”

Evelyn hated herself. She hated herself. Isabel could barely keep her eyes open. She looked like she hadn’t slept in days. Her hair wasn’t curly anymore, it was just frizz, because Isabel kept tugging at it, twisting it and untwisting it until it was all pulled apart. Her lips were dry and she kept biting at them. And it was all Evelyn’s fault. When they talked- “No cardamom?”- Isabel’s voice sounded flat and broken and Evelyn wanted to wrap her up and make it all go away, but how could she when it was all her fault?

“Halla.”  
Eva looked up from her phone and nervously smiled. “Hei.”  
Isabel hated that she made her best friend nervous. “What are you doing?”  
“Just gonna go home,” Eva shrugged. Isabel nodded.  
“Want to, um… want to go get frozen yogurt?”  
This smile was more real. Eva looked radiant. “Yeah,” she said. “Yeah, that sounds really nice.”  
By the time they were at the froyo place, Isabel’s heart was in her throat. They got their yogurt and moved outside. “Where should we sit?”  
“Um, just over here,” Isabel suggested, leading her friend to some benches. They sat down, knees touching. “So…” Isabel drawled. “You know that thing about me being kind of weird lately?”  
Eva nodded, keeping one eye on her. Isabel swallowed. “It’s because of a person I like.”  
“Erik?” Eva guessed immediately. Isabel shook her head.  
“No, not Erik.”  
“Is it Magnus?”  
Here, Isabel sputtered. “Magnus? You think I’d like Magnus?! Who do you think I am?”  
Eva laughed. “I don’t know,” she said. “Just tell me.”  
And, then, Isabel pushed away all of her fears. “I’ll give you a hint.”  
“Okay.”  
“It’s not a boy.”  
Eva didn’t even blink. “Is it me?”  
“You?” Isabel squeaked. “No! No, no no no.”  
Laughing, Eva pushed her gently. “What, you don’t think I’m sexy?”  
Isabel laughed, too. “No. I don’t think you’re sexy. Now keep guessing.”  
Narrowing her eyes, Eva guessed, “Is it that girl who gave you your scarf? The one who came to the kosegroup?”  
Smiling softly, Isabel nodded. “Yeah.”  
“She’s so fucking hot,” Eva said, shaking her head. Isabel laughed.  
“You think?”  
“Are you shitting me? I would kill for her boobs. She’s so pretty.”  
Nodding at her ice cream, Isabel blushed. “Yeah,” she breathed. Eva squealed.  
“Oh my god, you’re in love with her! What’s going on with you guys?”  
Here, Isabel sighed. “Nothing,” she said. Eva faltered.  
“Nothing?”  
“Nothing. We were talking, we even kissed-”  
“You KISSED?”  
“Yeah,” Isabel whispered, that damn blush creeping back. “And I really, really like her. And I think she likes me, I mean… but then she texted saying things happened too fast and… yeah.”  
“Of course she likes you, Is,” Eva assured, earning a side eye. “She’s probably just… had she ever been with a girl?”  
“I don’t fucking know,” Isabel snapped because she was so used to snapping. Eva closed her mouth. “Sorry,” the blonde sighed. “I’m just… really tired.”  
“Hey,” Eva said, wrapping one arm around her friend. “I know. And whether or not this girl likes you, you gotta… start sleeping and stuff, okay?”  
Isabel nodded. She reached into her pocket for her chapstick and her fingers brushed an unfamiliar paper. Pulling it out, she frowned.  
There were two panels. One had her, alone, eating a piece of toast. “This time, this universe, no cardamom,” the caption read. The second panel had her and who she could only assume to be Evelyn, both eating toast, with the caption, “Same time, different universe, cardamom.”  
Isabel stared at it for a long time. She briefly remembered telling Evelyn the details of her alternate universe theory, mumbling something about yellow curtains before drifting off to sleep in the older girl’s arms, but this… why was Evelyn doing this?  
“What’s that?” asked Eva, making the smaller girl jump.  
“Um- it’s from Evelyn.”  
“What is it?”  
“A drawing.”  
Eva smiled. “Maybe that’s a good sign!”  
“Yeah,” Isabel shrugged, stuffing the picture back in her pocket for later. “Maybe.”

Isabel: Hi, I liked your drawing:) when did you put it in my coat?  
Evelyn didn’t know how to reply. She knew she couldn’t. Knew she couldn’t lead Isabel on more than she already had. So she left it on read.  
“Did you guys hear what everyone’s saying about the fight?” Chris asked, sitting next to Sana. Isabel felt the tips of her ears go red as she tugged at her cuticles.  
“Nei, what?” Vilde replied, leaning forward. Vilde hadn’t been upset. She just seemed confused and nervous whenever Isabel was around.  
“Everyone’s saying you’re a super christian and Isabel slapped you because you said gays were all going to hell.”  
Isabel noted how Eva’s eyes went wide and Sana’s too, because Sana always seemed to know. “Why would that affect me?” Isabel breathed.  
“Oh, you were a lesbian,” Chris shrugged. “It’s weird. Kind of funny.”  
“It’s funny that people think I’m a homophobe?” Vilde asked, frowning. While she and Chris were arguing, Isabel looked to Eva, who gave a small nod.  
“Um, guys?” They all looked at her. Isabel cleared her throat. “You all know that girl? The one who came to kosegroup? And who we saw that day when we were watching the football team?”  
After a moment, they started to nod. Isabel twisted her sweater in her hands nervously. “We’ve had a thing,” she announced after a minute.  
Vilde was the first to react. “Are you a lesbian, Isabel?”  
“I’m not a lesbian!” Isabel reacted immediately, and she felt Eva’s frown. “Well, I’m kind of a lesbian, but that doesn’t mean I’m, like, staring at everyone’s boobs and being a pervert all the time.”  
“Nobody said you were a pervert,” Sana said. Isabel blushed.  
“Yeah, there’s nothing wrong with being a lesbian,” added Vilde.  
“Being gay is okay,” Chris added in English.  
Isabel stared at her hands and nodded. “Yeah,” she said. “Takk, guys.”

Evelyn’s heart almost beat right out of chest when Isabel opened the door. She looked small but she beautiful, especially since she was kind of dressed up in a lilac, peplum shirt and a pair of dark skinny jeans. Her hair was down for once and she was wearing makeup again and- fuck, was that a little glitter around her eyes? She looked ethereal.  
“Halla,” Isabel squeaked, and Evelyn had forgotten how much she loved that girl’s voice.  
“Halla,” she said back. She knew it was her responsibility to talk, to explain, to do something, but then Isabel was kissing her, standing on her very tiptoes and pulling Evelyn’s neck down so that they could make out and it was passionate and Isabel had her tongue in her mouth, which was new and bold, and they broke apart for a beat before Isabel went back in, taking the lead and then submitting when they hit a wall and Evelyn pinned her against. She struggled out of her shirt with Evelyn’s help, tossing it onto the floor somewhere, and Evelyn was taken aback because her tits were so tiny and perfect and she wanted to know what they tasted like. Getting rid of her own shirt and then Isabel’s bra, Evelyn dragged the smaller girl to bed. 

Evelyn was gone. Again. What should Isabel have expected?  
But then she wasn’t gone. She was in the other room, with Eskild and Linn, and she was making scrambled eggs. Isabel gawked at the scene from the doorway, almost swallowed whole by her giant pink hoodie. Evelyn looked like a goddess. Her long hair was down, running to the small of her back in loose waves, and she was in a pair of pajama shorts covered in little blue cats along with a white camisole. “Sorry for using your shower,” she laughed, and Eskild waved his hand.  
“It’s fine, oh my god. Not all of the hair products are mine. Just some.”  
Evelyn smiled briefly and then noticed Isabel in the door. Immediately, the smaller girl shrank back, flushed, but Evelyn’s smile only grew. “Good morning!” she exclaimed, walking over and giving Isabel and sweet kiss. When she pulled away, the smaller girl was dazed, cheeks pink enough to match her sweatshirt.  
Linn and Eskild left them quickly enough, and, turns out, Evelyn liked Gabrielle. Isabel sat on the counter, legs spread wide and eyes hooded as she watched this beautiful girl bop around in front of her, and then she pulled Evelyn back towards her mouth because she wanted more, more, more. 

Evelyn wanted more, more, more. She wanted more of the little sounds, the hiccups that Isabel let out when she took one of her nipples into her mouth. She wanted more of the way Isabel bucked her hips when Evelyn planted kisses on her smooth tummy. She wanted more of the way Isabel cried- literally cried, tears wetting her perfect lashes- when Evelyn finally licked inside of her. “Are you okay, angel?”  
“Yeah,” Isabel sobbed, hands in Evelyn’s hair. “Yeah. I just-” she broke off with another soft cry. Evelyn kissed her.  
“Shh,” she soothed. “You don’t have to explain.”  
And, so, with all of Oslo below them, Evelyn explored until she was satisfied, and then Isabel tentatively did some exploring of her own. 

Evelyn was scaring her. “We’re doing everything naked from now on,” she proclaimed, taking another bite of the fancy mini burgers they’d ordered. “We’re serving these at our wedding… we’ll come as Cleopatra and an angel… you don’t think we’re getting married?... we’re so fucking getting married.”  
Isabel didn’t really know what was happening, so she just laughed along.

“If she’s on the street right now she’ll get raped,” Isabel sobbed into the phone. On the other end, Sonja, the girl who’d called her a million times, sounded panicked.  
“I’m calling the police.”  
Isabel stuttered out a sigh. “I never should’ve told Sonja we were together,” Evelyn had said after the first call, but now Isabel was thanking god that somebody knew what was going on. After a while, she got to meet this girl face-to-face.  
“She’s manic,” Sonja spat, shaking her head. “You think she’s in love with you? She’s not! This is just another sick idea she has in her head right now.”  
Isabel felt her bones crumble. When Sonja pushed passed her and stormed away, she let herself fall apart. 

Evelyn couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. Couldn’t speak.  
All she could do was sleep. Sleep until she was too tired to sleep, and then just lay there.  
Isabel had said to stop texting.  
She’d ruined everything.  
Again. 

“What’s wrong?” Eva asked as she sat down. Isabel pushed at her food.  
“Nothing… just stuff with Evelyn,” she shrugged.  
“What now?” Eva asked, slightly accusatory.  
Isabel sighed. “Turns out she’s bipolar.”  
“Who’s bipolar?” asked Chris, plopping down beside them. “My mom’s bipolar.”  
Isabel stared at her. “You’ve got a crazy mom?”  
“She’s not crazy,” Chris said. “She’s bipolar.”  
“Yeah, well,” Isabel said, shaking her head. Her own mom was technically something or other, but to Isabel, she’d always just been crazy. “How is she?”  
“She’s fucking awesome.”

Evelyn: Dear Isabel. I’m now sitting at the place where we first met and thinking about you. It’s soon 21:21. I want to tell you a thousand things. I’m sorry for scaring you. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry for not telling you that I’m bipolar. I was scared of losing you. I had forgot that it’s not possible to lose someone, that all people are alone anyways. In another place in the universe we are together for eternity, remember that. I love you. Evelyn.  
She hit send with a shaky breath, eyes blurry with tears. Immediately, the text went to read. Her heart lifted ever so slightly and then fell again as she waited for a response that never came.  
Slowly, ever so slowly, Evelyn began to cry. Her eyes welled over completely and the tears spilled down onto her lap as her breathing became more erratic. Her heart was pounding far too loudly and her small cries turned into loud, high-pitched sobs. Her whole body was trembling as she bit down on her hand. She had to leave, had to leave for real this time. And she had to do it right.  
She wasn’t going to fail again.

Isabel felt her entire world crack. The bench was empty. The bench where she had first laughed at one of Evelyn’s jokes was empty. The bench where he'd first learned the girl’s name was empty. She was too late.  
But, then, her mind drifted back before the bench and into the bathroom. The bathroom. Slowly, she turned and faced the school. And the door opened, and Evelyn walked out, face red and streaked with tears and big, furry white coat pulled tight over a hoodie. She met Isabel’s eye and the girls stared at each other. 

Isabel began to walk. She moved slowly, as if underwater, until she and Evelyn were close enough to touch. And then she reached up and took the older girl’s face in her hands, drawing her close. Evelyn’s breath was warm against her face as she leaned up to kiss the older girl’s cheek, feather light, and then gently nuzzled their noses. She needed to tell Evelyn what had been on her mind from the moment she received that terrifying text, and so she pulled back and looked into the taller girl’s beautiful, sad blue eyes.  
“You are not alone.”


	2. Chapter 1: PDA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isabel overcomes her fear of PDA<3

Chapter 1: PDA

Isabel did not like PDA. It seemed so unnecessary- there was absolutely no reason for her to kiss Evelyn in public ever. Except for that she wanted to sometimes, but it was… it was just too much. It was annoying. And Isabel did not want to become one of those in-your-face couples. And- and… and it made her heart seize up. It made her feel sick.   
Everyone had been so happy and accepting when she came out. Well, except Erik. And his friends. And her dad, her dad hadn’t been very happy. But, for the most part, it had gone so well. And sure the football team had asked her and Evelyn if they could “watch,” and, yeah, some girl had made a passing comment about how lesbians shouldn’t be allowed in the girl’s locker room because it was, “I don’t know, weird,” but that didn’t really matter. Isabel didn’t lay awake at night thinking about it. And she certainly didn’t duck away from Evelyn when the taller girl went in to kiss her in the schoolyard because of it. She just did not like PDA. Yeah.  
But this time was different.   
She, Chris and Evelyn were in the library. Evelyn and Chris were having some long and intense conversation, Chris going, “Yeah, exactly!” every few seconds, while Isabel kicked her legs back and forth, studying in frustration for her upcoming bio exam, cheeks getting redder as the words started to make less sense. She’d been at this for hours. But she couldn’t let Sana get a higher mark than her- she’d never hear the end of it. Plus, she wouldn’t get into university riding on 4s and 5s. As if noticing her tension, Evelyn gently placed one hand on her back, rubbing soft circles into it. Immediately, Isabel’s shoulders relaxed slightly, and she glanced at her girlfriend, who was still watching Chris. She tuned in just in time to hear the brunette say, “Don’t you have to go?”   
Evelyn checked her watch- yes, she wore a watch, that pretentious asshole- and then clicked her teeth. “Oh, yeah, I have a test next period.” She blew out some air in annoyance and started gathering up her books. Isabel hadn’t budged, but she was internally screaming. Evelyn had been the only thing keeping her calm this whole time. She pressed her pencil harder against the notes she was taking, lead chipping and forming little particles of dust. “Alright, talk to you guys later. Bye, baby,” the older girl said, waving to Chris and then squeezing Isabel’s hand. When she went to move away, though, the smaller girl hung on, tugging her in closer. Chris didn’t seem to be watching, so she tilted her chin up. Evelyn raised her eyebrows, a smile spreading over her face, before leaning in and pressing a gentle, brief kiss to her girl’s mouth.   
Her golden waves, long and down and pretty, brushed against Isabel’s face as she pulled away. Evelyn was still smiling and lingered for one second longer, big dipper constellation of beauty marks stretched by her grin, and then she tugged her jean jacket a little tighter and bounced away. And Isabel could’ve ignored any discomfort the kiss had given her if only for that smile, except it hadn’t given her any discomfort, anyway. When she turned back to her textbook, she was grinning, too.   
And, as it turned out, so was Chris. The brown haired girl was giving a suggestive smile, eyebrows high on her head, and Isabel flushed. “Shut up,” she mumbled. Chris snorted. 

The next time, it was Eva. It was almost March, for god’s sake, so Isabel wasn’t as uncomfortable as she had been in the past. Now Evelyn almost always had an arm around her when they were beside each other, and it didn’t seem so scary. But kissing was still a different story.   
Except, today, Evelyn was wearing that dark burgundy tshirt dress with slightly lighter lipstick and a bunch of layered gold necklaces and jangly gold bracelets and her hair was in the most perfect messy french braid and she had her jean jacket on top, which she wore almost everyday at Isabel’s insistence anyway, and she looked so. Fucking. Good.   
Eva was saying something about school being too hard recently, but as soon as Evelyn started coming up behind her, Isabel’s attention was gone. She was staring at her girlfriend, who wasn’t even trying to be cool, fuck, she was just looking down at her phone. When she did look up, however, and catch Isabel’s eye, she beamed.   
“Halla,” the older girl said, finally reaching her and Eva. The auburn haired girl spun around, smiling.   
“Halla! I was going to ask about you just now! I’m having a party on Friday, you’ll join, right?”  
“A party?” Evelyn asked, looking between Eva and Isabel. She didn’t know why Eva was inviting her specifically, in the past Isabel and Evelyn had just gone to parties together, no question.   
But Eva blushed, as if embarrassed by her nervousness, and clarified, “Well, more like a get-together. It’s just going to be our bus having, like, a sleepover. But we’d really love if you’d join!”  
Now it was Isabel’s turn to be surprised. Eva had mentioned hosting something that Friday, but Isabel had just assumed she meant a real party. But inviting Evelyn to hang out with the girl’s one-on-one, well… Isabel had never loved her best friend more. Or, well, that wasn’t true, because she’d loved Eva a fucking lot over the years, but this instance seemed special. Evelyn smiled so wide that her eyes became slits.   
“Ja, I’d love to come!” Then she glanced towards Isabel, smile faltering. “I mean, if that’s chill.”  
Isabel’s mouth dropped open, eyebrows drawing in. Her first thought was “OF COURSE IT’S OKAY!” but she figured screaming that at the top of her lungs would be a little strange, so, instead, she reached out, took Evelyn’s face in her hands, popped up onto her toes and, before she really knew what was happening, she had kissed the older girl. When she dropped away, Evelyn was smiling again. Isabel bit down on her own grin. “Of course it’s okay,” she actually said out loud this time, but at a regular volume.   
When the bell rang and Evelyn walked to class, Eva and Isabel going the other way, the blonde girl wasn’t prepared for Eva to nearly jump onto her back. “That was so cute!” she practically shouted, and Isabel stumbled under her weight.   
“Jesus,” she laughed, straightening back up. “Calm down!” Although, she couldn’t really talk, considering her heart felt like it was beating out of her chest. Eva was beaming, nearly skipping.   
“Fy faen, I can’t believe she’s coming to my house,” the auburn haired girl rambled. “What should I wear? What should I serve? What does Evelyn drink, Is?”   
Isabel rolled her eyes fondly. “You don’t have to try to impress her,” she chastised.   
“Oh, please hallo?” Eva fired back. “You put more effort into your outfits now than you have in years!”  
And Isabel couldn’t argue. She was wearing actual jeans, after all. 

Then there was Vilde. Vilde had been so excited by the prospect of a lesbian couple in their group- “So cozy!”- and although it had been a little weird how into it she was, Isabel was just happy that she hadn’t rejected her. In fact, when Isabel had first introduced Evelyn to the girls, Vilde had stuck her tongue between her teeth, scrunched up her nose, and grinned so wide you’d think her face would break. She stuck out one hand and proudly announced, “I’m Vilde! And I am so, so excited to finally get to meet you! Isabel, you never told us she was so pretty!” Of course, Chris had hugged Evelyn, so, overall, the meeting had gone very well. But that didn’t mean Isabel was ready to start making out with Evelyn all over the place because of it.   
But now it was late March and things were going so, so well as Vilde would say. And they were at some third year’s party and Isabel was most definitely tipsy because Eva kept handing her drinks, okay? And Sana and Chris had disappeared, leaving her with Vilde the wine mom and Eva the party girl. And Evelyn had disappeared, too, probably off socializing like the amazing, wonderful, really, really cool butterfly that she was. So, now, Isabel was pouting over her strawberry vodka and half listening to Eva’s story. She started to swing her legs back and forth, something she always did when she was in a bad mood, as Vilde chirped along to Eva’s story from the kitchen table. Some guy came over Isabel had to scooch her position on the counter in order for him to get his beer. “Um, hallo, somebody just texted me saying some of the penetrators are coming?” she heard Eva say. That made her even more annoyed because she’d spent enough of her first year pretending to pine over the penetrators with the rest of the girls. She didn’t need them here, making everything worse.  
Just then, though, Evelyn turned the corner into the kitchen, all smiles, talking to some pretty girl whom Isabel had never seen before, and, um, excuse me, rude? Why was she talking to this stranger when she should be talking to her girlfriend?  
Evelyn didn’t even seem to have noticed her, which was also rude?? When she did catch the younger girl’s eye, she lit up, which would’ve helped the situation if Isabel hadn’t been kind of drunk and feeling very sullen. “Halla, baby,” the older girl said, opening the fridge and getting a beer for herself. She walked to Isabel and slotted herself between the other girl’s legs. Isabel frowned, leaning back against the cabinets. Evelyn frowned back, and her friend walked away. “What’s up, sweetheart?”  
“You left me,” Isabel mumbled. Evelyn smiled, now.   
“Oh, baby,” she sighed, nuzzling their noses together.   
“You left and now I’m too drunk.”  
“I’m sorry,” Evelyn laughed, rubbing Isabel’s knuckles. The smaller girl sighed, tipping her head up, and Evelyn pressed their mouths together, catching Isabel’s lower lip between her own. “Come here,” she murmured, breaking the kiss to tug Isabel closer from behind, hands snug against Isabel’s ass, and the smaller girl exhaled, wrapping her arms around Evelyn’s neck and legs around her waist.   
“I missed you.”  
“I missed you, too, kitten,” Evelyn replied, going in to kiss Isabel again, and her lips were so soft and gentle and Isabel was melting. She shut her eyes as the older girl started to move down her jaw, tightening her grip on around Isabel’s waist. She could feel Evelyn smiling against her neck, and she smiled, too. Opening her eyes slightly, Isabel hummed, but then she was squeaking and scrambling to push Evelyn off of her.   
“Vilde, what the fuck?” she sighed, burying her head in her hands. Vilde had been innocently staring up at them from over her phone, eyes wide.   
“What?! Eva left to go find Penetrator Chris and I was going to ask you what we’re doing this weekend, it’s not my fault that you had your tongue down your girlfriend’s throat!”  
“Fy faen,” Isabel shook her head, “you’re, like, the biggest hypocrite ever. You and Magnus physically cannot keep your hands off of each other!”  
“I wasn’t complaining, Isabel, I was just sitting here.”  
“Whatever,” Isabel groaned, and Evelyn only chuckled and rubbed up and down her arms. 

With Sana, it wasn’t meant to be PDA. It really, honestly was not. Isabel wasn’t even scared of PDA anymore. She prefered Evelyn’s lap to any chair even if they were in a room full of people. They lived together, for God’s sake. She had to get over it sometime. But she still understood common decency, and full on tongue fucking into each other’s mouths in front of her friends was definitely not decent.   
Sana had stopped by to study with Isabel and the blonde girl hadn’t thought to mention this to Evelyn. She hadn’t thought she would care. Evelyn really liked Sana, had since before Isabel had even met either girl, and it just didn’t seem like anything to mention. Yeah Evelyn had woken Isabel up with her tongue inside the younger girl, and yeah they’d gone three times, and yeah they’d been sending some… risque texts all day, but she still didn’t think she needed to tell Evelyn that Sana was over.   
So, when the older girl texted saying she’d forgotten her keys again, Isabel got up off the couch to let her in without hesitation.   
Except maybe she shouldn’t have, because as soon as she opened the door, Evelyn was cupping her face with one hand and her ass with the other, pushing them both back towards the couch until Isabel was falling into it, letting out a surprised little noise as Evelyn straddled her. She weakly shoved the older girl away, mouth pulling into a smile, and then falling open in shock as Evelyn slipped one hand up her shirt. This time the younger girl pushed her away more forcefully and Evelyn pulled back, staring at her with dazed, dark eyes, confusion only slightly washing over her face. Isabel raised her eyebrows, mouth still in an open smile. Evelyn panted. “What?” she asked after a brief second. Shaking her head, Isabel shot a to Sana, who was smirking hugely, and Evelyn followed her gaze.   
Brow furrowing, Evelyn seemed to take a minute in order to process when she was seeing before she sighed through a grin. “Sana!”  
“Hei,” Sana laughed, eyes wide.   
“I didn’t know you were coming!”  
“I could tell!”  
Evelyn realized she was still straddling Isabel, so she hastily stumbled off of the smaller girl. They all sat in silence until Evelyn shook her head. “Does anybody want any tea?”  
“I’ll have green,” Sana nodded. “Hopefully you know who to make it right,” she added with a pointed look towards Isabel. 

By the time Sana left, Evelyn had moved to their bed in order to give them room to study. She was watching some movie she’d already seen a thousand times but couldn’t get enough of. Isabel walked in over to their dresser, pulling off her sweater and leggings and tugging on a pair of pink shorts and a black tank top. Then she crawled into bed beside Evelyn, laying her head on the older girl’s chest. “Halla,” she mumbled.   
“Halla, kitten,” Evelyn replied, running one hand through Isabel’s hair. “How was studying,” she yawned.   
“Good,” Isabel nodded sleepily. “Or, good until you barged in and tried to fuck me right in front of Sana.”  
A laugh reverberated through Evelyn and Isabel smiled at the vibration of it. “I’m sorry,” she sighed after a beat. “I wasn’t expecting her.”  
“I know, baby.”  
After that, they settled back into a comfortable silence. Isabel tried to stay awake and watch the movie but she was tired and her eyes were getting heavier and heavier. “Do you wanna go to sleep?” Evelyn eventually asked, voice stirring Isabel out of the soft stupor she’d found herself in. “I can turn this off.”  
“It’s fine,” Isabel replied, scooching off of Evelyn’s chest in order to burrow her face into the older girl’s side. She let out a contented hum, smiling when she heard Evelyn’s laptop shut, anyway.   
After reaching over and turning out the lamp, Evelyn scooted down and pulled Isabel closer to her, tucking her chin above the younger girl’s head. “Goodnight, Is,” she sighed, and Isabel pulled back slightly, pushing up for a brief kiss that ended up lingering. In the dark warmth of their bed, she felt so completely safe, and she knew that PDA could never compare to moments like these.   
“Goodnight, Evy.”


	3. Chapter 2: Taking Care of Each Other

Chapter 2: Taking Care of Each Other  
Both Isabel and Evelyn were very, very strong girls. Which was wonderful, because, with that strength, they were both able to take care of each other. And, with that that strength, they were also able to allow themselves to be taken care of.  
Sometimes, the issues weren’t that big of a deal. There was one time, over the summer, when they’d gone out for the day. As soon as they stepped foot off of the tram, Isabel had frozen, a look of sheer panic coming over her face. “We forgot sunscreen!” she’d said, grabbing her way-too-big purse off of her shoulder and starting to dig through it. Evelyn smirked, drawing in her eyebrows.  
“It’s not even that sunny, baby, you’ll be fine,” she said, trying to take the younger girl’s hand. Isabel wiggled it away and continued looking through her bag.  
“We’re going to be outside all day, Ev! I need sunscreen!” With a frustrated sigh, she let her purse drop back to her side and looked Evelyn in the eyes. “We need to go buy some.”  
“Issy, sweetheart, you’re not going to burn in this weather, I promise,” Evelyn had replied, smiling fondly. Isabel huffed, brushing past her.  
“Is there a pharmacy around here or something?” she asked, scanning the area. Evelyn laughed softly and grabbed her by the waist from behind, tucking her head on top of the smaller girl’s.  
“We’re going to be late for Eva’s party,” she said. Isabel huffed again, twisting around to look up at Evelyn.  
“I’m going to burn,” she pouted. Evelyn pressed a quick kiss to her forehead and then that squishy nose.  
“If you burn, I promise I’ll be your personal slave until it heals, okay? But we gotta go.”

“Owwww, Ev, stop!” Isabel whined, high pitched, as Evelyn tried to apply the aloe lotion as carefully as possible. “Gentle,” the smaller girl said, and she sounded near tears, and, Jesus, nothing had ever broken Evelyn’s heart so quickly.  
“I’m sorry, angel, I’m sorry,” she murmured, pressing kisses into the back of Isabel’s head and even more gently applying the lotion. Isabel’s legs, arms, shoulders, neck, chest and the strip between where her shirt had ended and her shorts had begun were roasted. Evelyn, of course, was fine, much to Isabel’s annoyance. As the older girl went to lotion Isabel’s shoulders, the smaller let out a small whimper, hands balling into fists. “I’m sorry,” Evelyn said again, cringing. God, why did she have to be such a know-it-all?  
The next week went by slowly. Isabel was not a very pleasant person to be around when she was in pain. I mean, she wasn’t very pleasant to other people, but Evelyn thought she was pretty cute. “Evelyn,” she moaned from the bed, and Evelyn sighed from her position at the table.  
“Yes, kitten?”  
“Can you get advil?”  
Sighing again, Evelyn glanced at her. “We’re out.”  
Isabel whined into the pillow. “Can you get more?”  
Evelyn tipped back her head, looking up at the ceiling. “Baby, I have so much work to do.”  
“Please?” Isabel said, voice pinched and high. “It hurts so bad, Evy, and you promised you’d do whatever I wanted and you were the one who refused to buy me sunscreen anyway, please pleaaseee get me more advil, please, Evelyn, it hurts so bad.”  
Through this rant, Evelyn had stood and walked to the bed. She sat down, smoothing back Isabel’s fair curls. The smaller girl sniffed and looked up from the pillow slightly. Evelyn thumbed at her lip and then pushed back one eyebrow. “It hurts, sweetie?”  
Isabel nodded, pouting, and Evelyn layed down beside her. She ran one hand softly over the rosy cheeks, then down to the even redder collarbone. Isabel winced and Evelyn took her hand away, scooching closer and pressed a kiss to Isabel’s cheek. “I’m sorry. I should’ve gotten the sunscreen. But I had to be an asshole.”  
Snaking her arms around Evelyn’s waist and nuzzling at Evelyn’s neck, Isabel hummed. “You’re not an asshole. I know you thought I’d be fine.”  
“Still, though, I should’ve listened to you.”  
Isabel’s lips ghosted Evelyn’s jaw as she spoke. “It’s okay. But can you please grab advil soon? My skin feels like it’s burning off.”  
Evelyn nodded. “I’ll go as soon as I’m done. Do you want me to put more lotion on you?”  
Nodding into her chest, Isabel sighed. 

The peeling, sucked, too, because it drove Isabel crazy. She liked having things under control, and having her skin literally peeling off of her body, with nothing she could do about it, was certainly not under control. Evelyn had to keep her from picking at it every hour of every day, assuring her that it would heal better if she stopped messing with it. It became a bit of a game; Isabel would be trying to pick off the loose bits and Evelyn would take her hand, pressing kisses to each of her fingertips. “Stop that,” she’s whisper quietly, and Isabel would pout but still nod, and then Evelyn would hold both of her hands for as long as she could. 

Then there was the time Evelyn caught some sort of stomach thing and spent almost three days kneeled over the toilet. The first time it happened, Isabel felt horrible. She was in bed, surrounded by school supplies- that smart little shit, Evelyn had no idea why she found being dedicated to school such a turn on, but she totally did- and frowning her way through yet another assignment that probably wasn’t due for weeks.  
“Baby,” Evelyn groaned, walking in with heavy shoulders. “I’m sick.”  
Isabel didn’t look up, unfazed. Evelyn cried wolf about being sick a lot, whether to get foot rubs or her chores done or simply to cuddle. Sometimes, Isabel rolled her eyes and went with it because Evelyn was adorable, but tonight she had work to do. “Sick?” she said, voice uninterested. Evelyn frowned.  
“Yeah. I think I ate something bad. Or maybe I’m pregnant or something.”  
“Hmm,” Isabel nodded. Evelyn’s frown deepened and she walked to the bed, pushing the laptop off of Isabel’s lap and replacing it with her head. Isabel sighed. “I’m so busy, my love,” she said, twisting to keep typing at an angle. Evelyn looked up.  
“I’m dying and you don’t even care,” she said mournfully. Isabel hummed again, eyes glued to her screen, and Evelyn sighed and got up, walking to the kitchen.  
She was poking around for things to make for dinner when she felt bile and panic simultaneously rise into her throat. Spinning around, she retched into their sink, sweat breaking out on her forehead. Isabel’s gaze snapped up from her computer and she scrambled to stand.  
“Oh, sweetheart!” she said worriedly, sounding a bit too much like a mom, which made Evelyn smile the slightest bit before she was throwing up again. “Oh, oh oh oh,” Isabel tutted, holding back her hair and tying it into an easy knot before pouring a glass of water and getting a wet paper towel to lay on the back of Evelyn’s neck. She rubbed gentle circles on her back before snaking one hand under her shirt and unclasping her bra, gently taking it off and tossing it onto the bed. Evelyn shuddered as the last of whatever she’d eaten in the last day came back out of her. “That’s right, love, get it all out,” Isabel murmured, and, once a solid minute had passed, she guided the glass of water to Evelyn’s mouth and had the older girl drink some. Evelyn breathed heavily as Isabel moved around behind her, getting one of their pasta pots and lining it with a plastic grocery bag. She walked to Evelyn and gently caressed the older girl’s face. “Go take a cool shower,” she said once Evelyn had finally looked up. “I’ll clean up in here, okay?”  
Evelyn slowly nodded, eyes a little teary and throat too raw. Isabel popped up on her toes and pressed a kiss to the older girl’s forehead before handing her the pot. “Take this with you, just in case,” she whispered. Evelyn nodded again and started to make her way to the bathroom.  
By the time she was back out, dressed in nothing but a loose fitted tank top and a pair of underwear, hair tied up on top of her head, she had to smile. Isabel had moved all of her school stuff off the bed and into one corner. She’d made the bed, too, so that the sheets would feel clean like Evelyn liked, and she’d gotten another glass of water and a sleeve of crackers.  
“What’s all this?” Evelyn had croaked, and Isabel gasped, mock-offended.  
“My girlfriend is sick and you think I’m not going to take care of her?”  
Smiling, Evelyn laid down, curling into her side of the bed. “You must be tired,” Isabel mumbled, laying beside her and briefing cool, dry lips against her forehead. Evelyn nodded and Isabel tucked the older girl’s face into the crook of her neck. “Get some rest, angel,” she said softly, running both hands over Evelyn’s hair, smooth and slow. “I put another bin beside the bed. I’ll be here when you wake up, okay?”

And she was there when Evelyn woke up, there to pull the sheets back and whisper soothing things as the older girl gagged up nothing, dry heaving and spitting out the little bit of water she’d drank and whatever bile she had left inside of her. “Shh,” Isabel whispered, groggy with sleep at two in the morning and trying not to yawn. Evelyn dry heaved again, and Isabel murmured encouragement. Once she was empty, the older girl collapsed back into bed, shaking slightly. “Hurts,” she muttered. Isabel sighed, tugging her closer.  
“It’ll be okay, you’ll be okay.”

That bug took way too long to go away, but Isabel didn’t mind. She liked taking care of Evelyn, although it did get gross sometimes. Vilde came by with fresh baked rolls, although Evelyn couldn’t eat much of them, and Chris and Eva visited with all the latest gossip. Sana stopped by, too, with some of her mom’s food. By this point, Evelyn was feeling well enough to eat some of it, and it made her really happy. 

Then there were the times when simple things like homecooked meals couldn’t make her feel better. Times when everything was too bright in Evelyn’s head, getting brighter and brighter until it all burnt out, fizzling into darkness. Isabel loved taking care of her, then, too, although it was so much harder. Because Evelyn was the brightest person she knew. And seeing her go dark like that hurt. It hurt so bad.  
One of the worst times, Isabel woke up to an empty bed and the doors to their balcony open. Evelyn had been manic for a while, at least three or four days, but so far it had just been a few frustrated, angry outbursts paired with too much energy and a gleam in her eye that matched her words, fumbling and disconnected. Isabel kept her okay, kept her safe and sound and let her carry out her more tame urges and gently redirected her away from the dangerous ones. Except, when she was sleeping, she couldn’t exactly stop Evelyn from slipping away. She blamed herself for it- how could she have slept through it?  
“Evy?” she asked, standing and padding towards the balcony, wrapping the blanket around her slim shoulders. Upon passing through the doors, her blood ran cold.  
Evelyn was sitting on the railing of the balcony, balanced only those two or three inches of metal and teetering four stories above the ground. “Baby?” Isabel asked, voice small.  
Lazily kicking her legs back and forth, Evelyn didn’t respond. Isabel felt herself start to tremble. “Sweetheart, what are you doing out here?”  
“Isn’t it nice?”  
Tugging the blanket tighter, Isabel took a few steps closer. “Yeah,” she nodded. “It’s really nice. But… wouldn’t you like to come back to bed with me?”  
“You don’t understand,” said Evelyn, looking back over her shoulder. Her face was beautiful, illuminated by the moonlight. “Nobody does.”  
“I know,” Isabel nodded, afraid to touch her. She might lose balance. “I know, sweetheart. But just come lay down with me. I miss you. You can come back out later, okay?” She blinked a few times. “I miss you.”  
Turning again, more fully this time, Evelyn drew in her eyebrows. “Don’t cry, Issy,” she said, soft but a little stern. Isabel let out a breathy little laugh, wiping at her eyes.  
“I’m not, baby,” she shook her head. “It’s just windy out here. I’m okay. We’re okay, just come inside and lay down with me.”  
After a while, Evelyn nodded and climbed down. The whole time she did, Isabel held her breath, and, as soon as the older girl’s feet hit the ground, Isabel was in her arms, holding onto the back of her shirt tightly, the blanket falling away. “Oh, oh sweetheart,” she was saying, and the pulling back and looking up and laughing again. Evelyn frowned.  
“Did I scare you?” she asked, shaking her head, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”  
“No, no no no,” Isabel replied, reaching up and taking Evelyn’s face between her hands. “It’s okay. You’re just so beautiful. Now come back to bed, sweetheart, okay? Let’s go back to bed.”  
Evelyn nodded and let herself be lead back into the bedroom. Isabel gathered up the blanket, locked the balcony door, and took the key. As soon as Evelyn was safely asleep, which did take a little while, Isabel curled up, face in her knees, and began to sob silently. After while of that, she grabbed her phone and, with shaking hands, began to text Evelyn’s mom. “Hi, Liv, I know you’re probably not awake, but Evelyn just climbed out over the balcony railing. I got her down, now she’s asleep, but I just thought you should know.”  
Liv didn’t reply, it was the middle of the night so that wasn’t surprising. Isabel let out a trembling sigh and dropped her phone down onto the mattress and then turned around to tuck one arm around Evelyn’s waist, pressing her whole body as close as possible to the older girl’s. “You’re safe,” she mumbled. “You’re safe, baby, I’m here.”

The down was worse in some ways, better in others. Evelyn wasn’t doing anything dangerous, but she was so… broken. And there was hardly anything Isabel could do.  
“Hey, baby,” she said, sitting down on the bed. Evelyn didn’t move, only shifted to pull the comforter tighter around her. Isabel laid down, resting her head on Evelyn’s shoulder and gently rubbing up and down her arm. “How are you feeling?”  
Evelyn sighed, making Isabel press and light kiss to her shoulder through her shirt.  
“Do you want me to stay? Or do you want to be alone?”  
After a beat, Evelyn reached back and took one of Isabel’s hands. The smaller girl nodded and settled in, pressing her nose to Evelyn’s back and reaching over to hold both her hands. “Eva was asking about you. She said she needs your advice on Penetrator Chris. I think she likes him. I can’t understand why, though. And Vilde is freaking out about getting us invited to some party on Mari’s bus. I don’t care. I’m so tired of russ parties.”  
Evelyn shifted to face Isabel, nosing at her collarbone. Isabel sighed. “Have you eaten today?”  
The head shake was barely there. Isabel gently kissed her forehead. “Do you want to?”  
Evelyn shrugged. Carefully, Isabel stood up and made some toast. “Just in case,” she said quietly, getting back in bed and draping one leg over Evelyn’s.  
Evelyn didn’t eat the toast. She fell back asleep after a while. Isabel got her medication and a glass of water, waking her briefly to take them, and then cleaned up around the apartment. She texted Evelyn’s parents about what was going on and then the girls, all of whom had asked how Evelyn was doing. 

Evelyn came back to school after a few days. During bio, Isabel got a text. 

Evelyn: Where are you?  
Isabel: In class.  
Evelyn: can you come to our bathroom?  
Evelyn: i need you baby  
Isabel: coming

Isabel left, giving some weak excuse about feeling sick and getting a quick hand squeeze from Sana. She found Evelyn sitting on the floor, right by the sinks. “I’m sorry,” she said, blurry with tears. “I know you have class, I just-”  
“Shh, shh, sweet girl,” Isabel said, dropping her bag and sitting beside Evelyn, pulling her head into her arms. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”  
“I’m sorry, Issy, you shouldn’t have to deal with this, I-”  
“Don’t apologize. I want to be here, okay? I’ve got you.”  
Evelyn didn’t reply, but she didn’t argue, either. “I love you,” Isabel mumbled into her hairline. “I’m here.”

At least, with Evelyn, Isabel could listen to the doctor’s breakdown of symptoms and signs and at least she had a diagnoses to work off of. There were people to talk to, there was medication to take. She knew, at least at the most basic level, what to do.  
Evelyn did not know what to do with Isabel.  
At the beginning, Isabel would say that there was nothing she had to do- there was nothing wrong. Isabel had never been to a therapist, had never been to a doctor. Never gotten a title under which she could categorize her problems. Never even recognized her problems.  
The first time Evelyn recognized them, it was a few weeks into their relationship. It was snowing pretty bad and they were walking down the street from school back to the kollectiv.  
Isabel was going on about something that had her all worked up and it was cute and valid and Evelyn wanted to hold her hand but she knew Issy was still shy about that so contented herself with brushing a stray curl away from the younger girl’s face. They got back home and Isabel kicked off her shoes, walking towards the kitchen. Linn was there with a glass of milk and her hair pulled back for once. “Halla,” she said, smiling briefly. Isabel smiled back, taking off her coat and scarf.  
“Halla. I was just telling Evelyn how…” the older girl zoned out, instead focusing on the way Isabel’s nostrils flared with outrage, but then Eskild bounded in and sat down at the table, rattling it and knocking Linn’s glass off the edge it had been hazardously balanced on and it made a pretty loud shattering sound. It was surprising, yeah, but certainly not surprising enough to justify that way Isabel let out a little screech and brought both hands up to cover her face. The other three people in the room stopped and stared at her as she slowly lowered her arms back down, breath erratic. “Shit,” she laughed after a minute. The laugh sounded force. “Shit, sorry. That startled me.”  
Evelyn narrowed her eyes. Linn and Eskild didn’t say anything until Eskild rolled his eyes. “So much drama, Belly.” Everyone could tell he was just trying to defuse the situation, and Isabel choked on another laugh.  
“Come on,” Evelyn said, leading her to her room. As soon as they walked in, Isabel started talking, obviously trying to move past what just happened. Frowning, Evelyn took her busy hands.  
“Is?”  
“Yeah?”  
“You okay?”  
Isabel tried to take a deep breath but it hitched and a smile struggled across her face. Evelyn pressed two thumbs into her wrists; her pulse was still racing. “Yeah,” the smaller girl nodded. “Just startled me.”  
Tilting her head to the side, Evelyn stared at Isabel hard. “It startled me, too,” she said eventually.  
“Well, you know me,” Isabel trailed, shrugging. After a beat, she gave an insincere laugh and added, “I’m jumpy.”  
Evelyn swallowed and then kissed the smaller girl’s forehead, tugging her into a hug. Isabel was jumpy. She flinched at every loud noise, she jerked away from any unexpected touch. Evelyn had taken that as a part of her, something she was born with. And so she accepted the answer.  
Until, about a month later, she talking to Eva. The girl was a little too tipsy, a little too open-mouthed, and so her restraints and what and what not to say loosened up. Isabel was off talking to Sana and Chris, and Eva was watching her hazily. “She’s so happy,” she sighed after a minute, smiling dopily at Evelyn, who smiled back.  
“I hope so.”  
“Oh, yeah. Happier than she’s been in years. You finally…” Eva trailed off, furrowing her brows.  
“What?” Evelyn prompted and Eva looked up, focusing.  
“You finally gave her a home.”  
Taken aback, Evelyn shook her head. “What do you mean?”  
“I mean… she used to come stay with me a lot, and I love her so much, but I could never give her what she needed. The kollectiv is great, but Linn and Eskild are still just some random people who picked her up from a bar. They’re four years older than her. They’re her family but like… it’s just not enough. Not permanent enough. Not saying that you guys’re getting married or anything,” Eva laughed, momentarily amused before the seriousness of what she’d been saying dawned on her again. “And then obviously her parents fucking suck. God, I used to get so mad when she’d come to my house in the middle of the night, all fucked up. I told her she had to call the police, but it was always the same excuse, ‘She’s sick, she’s sick.’ Whatever. I’m just glad she got away when she did. I seriously considered calling the police myself sometimes. It got so bad.”  
Evelyn’s heart had twisted in on itself and she wanted to scream, wanted to beg Eva to elaborate, but she knew that this wasn’t Eva’s story to tell. And, so, she nodded. And when Isabel came back over she took her by the waist and held her tight. So tight. 

When she asked about it for the first time, it was a quiet afternoon. It was raining outside and Evelyn was wrapped up Isabel’s bed, cradling the smaller girl’s head to her chest. “Hey, baby?” she asked after a moment.  
“Hmm?”  
“Can I ask you something?”  
Scooching up, Isabel locked eyes with Evelyn. “Is something wrong?”  
“No,” the older girl quickly assured her. “No, nothing’s wrong, angel. I just want to ask you about something.”  
“What is it?” Isabel asked, eyes worried. Evelyn reached down and smoothed the crease on her forehead.  
“Isabel… what was your home like life? Before you lived here?”  
Scrunching up her whole face, Isabel wiggled away and sat up. “Why are you asking that?”  
“It’s just… you’re so jumpy… and Eva mentioned something about how you used to stay at her house a lot when things got fucked up at home and… I just…”  
“Eva told you that?”  
“She was drunk, Issy, and she didn’t go into detail. Which is why I’m asking you.” Reaching out, Evelyn took one of Isabel’s hands. “It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me. I just… I just want to be there for you, baby.”  
Frowning down at their hands, Isabel shrugged. “I… my mom is sick. You know that.”  
“I know.”  
“So sometimes she would… you know. Things would get bad.”  
“Issy… did she hit you.”  
Again, Isabel shrugged. “It was never when she was… in a good place,” she whispered. “She loved me. She just… she didn’t know what was real sometimes.”  
“Baby,” Evelyn sighed. “That’s still not okay.”  
“It wasn’t her fault.”  
“Did your dad know about this?”  
After a beat, Isabel nodded. Evelyn felt her jaw clench. “And he still left you there alone with her?”  
“He… they…”  
“How long had this been going on?”  
Swallowing, Isabel wiped at the tear that had rolled onto her cheek. “Since I can remember?” she finally admitted. “At first it was just… she would be rough with me. Throw me around a little or drag me by the arm or something. I don’t know. They taught us about, like… child abuse at school. But they said it like it could never happen to any of us.” Her voice wavered and she looked so ashamed. Evelyn waited patiently for her to go on. “And, then, when it got worse… well, I didn’t know what to do. She would always apologize and… try so hard to make up for it… and I knew she wouldn’t do it if she wasn’t sick but… I was so scared. She would get it in her head that I was… the devil or a prostitute or Jezebel or something, a slut or a liar, and she would get so mad. She’d slap me and shake me and throw me and one time she hit my head against the wall so hard everything went white for a few seconds and I-” her throat clogged up and she looked down. “I would go to Eva’s after and I would try so hard to cover it up, but she still knew. She begged me to report her, but…” she looked up at Evelyn, eyes red and puffy. “She was my mom,” she shrugged. “She was all I had.”  
Looking away again, Isabel let out a long, strangled sigh. “But one day… she thought I was dating Jonas. She got so mad.” Her eyes had gone dark and unfocused. “She knew he was dating Eva so she thought I was… an adulterer or something… and she thought we were hooking up so she thought I was a slut and… I tried to tell her it wasn’t true, but she wouldn’t listen. It was like she couldn’t hear me.”  
Evelyn scooted a little closer, squeezing her hand. Isabel gritted her teeth. “She was so mad, Ev,” the girl repeated. “I tried to walk away, but she… she grabbed my wrist and then took a wine bottle and hit me over the head with it. It broke and… and there was so much blood and glass and we were both screaming and I…” her lower lip trembled. “I thought she was going to kill me. So I left. For good.”  
“Issy,” Evelyn breathed. The small girl got smaller, shrinking in on herself.  
“It’s okay,” she shook her head. “It’s okay, I’m sorry. It’s fine. It’s over now. You don’t have to worry, okay?”  
“Isabel, of course I am going to worry. It’s not okay. It was never okay.”  
“I shouldn’t’ve… I could’ve avoided it, I just…”  
“It was never your fault, baby girl. Never. Okay? Can you look at me?” Isabel weakly turned to look at Evelyn. Her entire face was blotchy. “You didn’t deserve that. You never deserved that. And I’m so sorry that it happened to you.” Evelyn paused, tilted her head. “Can you come here, baby?”  
Sniffling, Isabel crawled over and leaned her back against Evelyn’s chest. “Thank you for telling me,” the older girl said after a beat. Isabel sighed.  
“Thank you,” she whispered. “For everything.”  
Evelyn pressed a kiss into the back of her head. 

And then, there were times when they were both down. Sometimes it was serious- Evelyn would be having an episode on the same day Isabel had an anxiety attack- but, at least once a month, it was just a nuisance.  
The girls were very different on their periods. It hadn’t taken them long to sync up after moving in together, and boy, was that a roller coaster.  
Isabel’s moodiness was taken to a new extreme. She want from pouty to downright bratty, angry at everything all the time. And it would be fine, Evelyn could deal with it, if she wasn’t in constant, life-stopping pain. “Baby, my whole body feels like it’s being torn apart. I love you, but can you please, please talk to Eva about this? It’s giving me a headache.”  
“Fine,” Isabel would huff, getting off of the bed. “Whatever. I’ll just go to Eva’s then, that’ll be fucking great! Just take a twenty minute tram ride to tell my story to Eva instead of my girlfriend, who’s right fucking here.”  
“You could just text her,” Evelyn would reply, muffled by the pillow, but Isabel wouldn’t listen. Once she actually spent the night at Eva’s, just to make a show of it. She spent the whole night complaining about it- “Yeah periods suck, I know that, I’m also on mine! And I hate being bitchy but she just drives me insane and I’m driving her insane and I just hate this! Why the fuck does this fucking happen?”  
The next morning, she came home and started crying. “I shouldn’t’ve left, what if something happened and I was away just because I’m too much of a bitch to even stay home when I know you’re just cramping and-”  
“Shh, baby, it’s fine. Let’s just chill, okay?” Evelyn laughed, wiping at Isabel’s tears. And chill they did.  
They both got bloated, so that sucked, but Evelyn just stuck to sweatpants and tshirts for the whole of it, whereas Isabel refused to do anything of the sort and forced herself into her regular clothes- not that leggings and sweaters were that horrible, but still. The main thing they did on those days, though, was complain. A lot of complaining. To each other, about each other, about each other to each other. Oh, and there was a lot of pizza. And advil.  
But, in the end, none of it seemed to matter. Because, no matter what was the matter, they would always be there for each other. And even if they were hurting, as long as they were in bed together, snuggled up tight, it would be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Should I add chapters to this?


End file.
